Why Bother?

What is the point of telling someone they can feel what they want and what they feel is important IF you truly don't mean it?

I broke down and called my soon to be ex and listened to his request and his feelings and I did it opened minded at that. I listened to him say that his children are worse off cause of this yet everyone around our children say that they have turned completely around for the better since this seperation. Heck we've even heard how WE ourselves have become happier better people being apart rather then together. So WHY I ask why on earth just cause 1 person out of say 5 says you should try to get your wife back would you actually try.

I mean if you never bothered to care if your wife was happy OR felt important or if you never bothered to spend time with her family or come to family function OR even seem to show your kids that you gave a crap WHY would you even try now. I just don't get it.

I spent 12 yrs with my hubby 9 of which I have spent watching him do nothing but sleep or play video games or heck even dealt with him and his porn stage and add to that the way he barked orders at our children and seemed more annoyed that they were around then appreciate having them there. I spent more times questioning if he truly loved them over all these years cause of how he was with them.

Now only now after all these months apart does he seem to act as though he cares about them. He keeps saying he's lonely well ya know one day when I'm not at my parents house and they are with him visiting I too will be lonely but that is in NO way a reason to try and make a marriage work. Too many years have gone by with way too much damage done IMO to even attempt to fix it.

I told him if he wants to "fix us" the best thing he can do is fix what he thinks went wrong and focus on doing the opposite with the next relationship. To which he said who says he wants another one. Well actually he did about 4 wks ago. Back when we were both on the same page.

Now Lord only knows if he's gonna sign the papers when they arrive and they hopefully gonna go out this week God willing.

I do thank God for the strength to get through the call without raising my voice and while remaining calm. I also pray that one day Matt does come to accept again what has come to be and that maybe one day he can meet someone new that can accept him for who he really is. I unfortunately as I said to his grandfather while paying my last repects "I apologize that I can not stay with Matt, I tried my very best to love him despite all of his pain and trouble from his past and his true personality and I just can't do it anymore". :(

I honestly feel and see that our children are doing better not having his negativeness around all the time and I'm sorry to say my children have priority when it comes to happiness. I want them to have a positive life not one that is filled with negative all the time.

I was asked if I could tell the children that it was me that is the reason for the divorce. I said if it would make him feel better sure but in all reality they I'm sure have their own thoughts already. 2 of them are old enough to recall for themselves how their daddy was toward them so I am sure they may know why already. If not then as they get older they may.

Please God help me to continue to be strong through this difficult process. I am only trying to do what I feel is in the best interest of our children.